you spent your first year gone inside electricity flying through Mom, knocking her off her feet what did you do to my throat? whispering my name in my ear like a ghost boys I can smell the salt we must be so close the fog in Port Orford like a veil of smoke age of action in a big red van we couldn’t go any further west if we tried I know I seem like I’m somewhere else but you’re the only reason I’m left alive the blood borders the flame gasoline your hands soak and wring and shake a desperate head with eyes erased turned in you speak yourself goodbye reverberate when I look into water I see God if we’re made in your image then why not small rewards for staying alive faders & peace. Flint in their teeth I’ve spent thousands of hours of this life of mine in dresses in my sleep it’s been ten years since I've seen you now you’re younger than me, you couldn't understand why why I had taken so long to come visit you didn’t know you’d died the sky wisps underneath itself small voices out the window pizza and beer on the lawn I wanna be a mom I always dreamed of dying by the ocean in the grass by the edge of a cliff sit with the clear blue sky take my dose and sink when you are alone when you are in pain you can hear me in the wind you can feel me in the rain Dad slept right by your crib little lungs wheezing out and in she walked on water that Wednesday I held her foot until we flooded the stage this is where we sat and watched as the thunderstorm rolled in but you were alone yeah I was alone and maybe that’s the only way I could ever be happy I’m not here. Everything is a dream. The present doesn’t exist. I don’t recognize my hands, legs, face, or voice as my own. My vision is blurry. I don’t hear or see things normally. Everything is hazy. I blank out. I’m not here. I blank out. I’m not here. serving size fireball in the dirt outside the church. when you kill the rabbit you become the curse. I wanna leave but I can’t god dammit. he takes off my clothes and tells me it’s magic. at thirteen years, I could tell that you knew is this the last time I’ll be seeing you? I could feel the love in your eyes I know it hurts. I want you to be alright sweet angel, do you remember how you had to leave the basement where you sank below my feet the vomit and the pain and the shit on the bed wherever you are now, I hope you can forget my hands are dripping with empty answers the summer after fell like a ransom we’re all so lonesome in your kingdom I can’t feel anything when you are alone when you are in pain I can hear you in the wind I can feel you in the rain washed in golden light, I watch you disappear down the storm drain burn you away in the middle of your lake damned to dream of your face

they bulldozed the sanctuary took it all away from me you told me never to write about you so I won’t I’ll remember you in every other note every single thing. the coinstar the toddler in the toy car the rain in my shoe makes me think of you disappear into the void of black bean patties demonoid pink to the spine your persistent memory you told me never to write about you so I won’t I’ll remember you in every other note I’m so glad I waited for it my first time in a forest so young but I knew what was important instant coffee in the morning we need to make a point of doing this our whole lives packing up our bags waking in wild light you told me never to write about you so I won’t I’ll remember you in every other note I know I’m not always patient I know I’m not always kind I’m working to be better I swear to God I’m trying all I wanted was to love you deja vu about deja vu this route’s so strange without you lungs like a pipe organ counting bunnies every morning they broke her leg in the spring she held it up all summer last time I saw her there was snow on the ground somehow she stuck around

voice in my mind new nightmare today, saying I can’t hide my dick curse from my face social isolation, nothing to show for it I don’t exist my fucking days were long over by 26 I’m the quintessential incel fail child faggot gaze into your eyes kiss the abyss all the people clap and cheer when I say I’m gay I don’t want to live life I want to fade away wake up get out walk down the alley come home clean up drown in spaghetti cuddle, call me the wrong name I’m scared to say no when you beg hold your torso over the road vomit red out the window you’re cheating on me I know but I love to make you laugh angelic kissing in the bath Is This Real? Terraform Have a Nice Life Gang of Four I’m backseat, he cucks me to Spiderland please hold my hand and touch my ass take down all of the mirrors try not to see myself don’t look forward or past each day living is hell mushrooms nutmeg growing my titties push-ups jerk off cock is spaghetti call me brave or call me a boy I am the one that I will destroy and you are the cutie I’ll always enjoy I love to make you laugh toasted kiss in the bath Autechre girls theory girls Motherbeat girls stay inside girls Sun Ra girls wolf moon girls speed game girls die fast girls your smiles make my life okay so fuck everything they say kill God and take the throne and we’ll build a world of our own

I can't stand on the edge and lie I can't handle the way you shotgun the sky when I drive back to the cities it feels like a suicide I can see my failures in the skyscraper’s shine driving naked through the summer burning sweat all over me I walk down to the ocean I wash myself clean, I wash myself clean I felt every word in the water sleeping in the strawberries if you look close enough I am a factory the shark can smell your lips like weaving pikas upon Titus shake me by my shoulders love me as the morning cuts I wanna harness the power of the sun I wanna apologize for everything I’ve done I wasted my life I hurt you I’ve been really dumb I can't believe this year was anything more than an anomaly a dick is just an object haunted daydreams and memories safety pins in socks lavender my cummy clothes little in the laundry basket underwear on the road shadow people stroke my veins magic stacked like dirty plates smokes and suffocates I’ve seen things in the sky I can’t explain when I drive back to the cities it feels like a suicide gasoline kills me gasoline keeps me alive I can't stand on the stage and lie I can't handle the way you shotgun the sky I can't stand on the stage and lie and lie and lie I don’t remember your face I put my hand through glass and scream up on the mountain I miss what I've forgotten I tried to talk. I tried to be friendly. Contacts and networking. It’s Saturday. I’m stalling for time eating a blueberry muffin. There’s no reason for me to hurry home. I’m nervous, I can feel disaster. The moon is up. It’s as hot as those summer nights at the lake as a kid: humid, sticky, you’d lay in your tent wishing you could fall asleep but all you could do was sweat. I wash behind my ears. Floating geese and clouds. Weeping children, pain in my legs. There needs to be a better way for us to keep ourselves healthy. The meadows stolen, the fireworks in the church bells. Most of the street lamps are burned out, including the one we’re parked under. There’s barely any light pollution. We can look up and see the stars. We trade watch duties. One of us keeps an eye on the car while the other turns their head and stardreams. I imagine the usual things: Are there aliens out there? How big is infinity? Is the universe meaningless? Are UFOs from another planet or are they all CIA? How many relationships have I fucked up during my lifetime? My high-definition television showed up at my house yesterday and I opened it and instead there was a high-powered rifle. I watch the car. He worked in the steel industry. It was good steel, affordable steel. The company was partially responsible for the Flood. But back to making friends, it’s necessary for business. I know that you try to find numbers and patterns in the universe, that you find solace when you think you've found order, that it soothes you. It will let you down in the end. You will slip into the abyss, a crisis of allergies and mesh surgery. To ensure that you get paid, please kill the man slowly and in an avant-garde fashion. Include the invoices. Email is not an option. Feel free to call. fate wide-eyed and late I miss you forever and soon it's beautiful out here dark in the dawn I did wrong once I'll do it again get in the ocean goodbye kiss I don’t know why but I wake up in panic you’re the light of my life why would you do this? I can’t stand on the road in your breath and secrets the wilderness is a funeral on your body to be ready for everything you must be happy I don’t want to watch your final moments I want to pretend you’ve awakened from your coma baby I told you I'll fall right through the sky you shoot I told you, I told you it's dark in the dawn and reality is near that universe is gone and this one is here

easy and easing as an ember as Spirits held me, the ground turned red whistle in the dark as I cross the dunes make yourself big so they’re scared of you the light sitting soft in the dust quivering its hello like a ghost cold clouds in the Dakota distance this place will be alright without us the siren pulls in the driveway my hormones are exploding turn up the stereo til I’m back to where I was before the morning ripping adam’s apples from me & my siblings’ throats dropping them in a pool of chocolate to see if they would float to make present the whole world to have done nothing no longer trust I walk by the light of Saturn in the dirt in the dawn I woke up deleuze and guattari critter and guatari when I leave my note it say sorry not sorry every day, more and more I’ve never seen those eyes before I wasn’t a cool dude I never bought blue food missed a lotta nutrients got a depressed mood shit kid, look what ya did mixed up the height and the width now the moon sets backwards my ma called me a bastard all my favorite singers couldn’t live is that the end to this look at my face tell me I’m shallow I built my own duct tape gallows the river hung there with windswept hair I’m crossing over into your mind you don’t wanna know what it’s like I’ll see ya on the flipside when we’ve all been dead and lived again and dead, and lived, and died a warm night we all fly an orange glow above us waving does your Sky mirror mine? our homes bleached and vacant I’ll make sure to write all the time and I’ll try to stay on top of the changes once in a life wolves pass you by Earth unfolds through all of her ages I don’t want to say goodbye but honestly it doesn’t make any difference the chances are good that’s exactly where you stood those were the best days but now I’m headed west I don’t want this to be the end an orange glow upon the pavement if there’s something I forgot call me up and let me know if there’s something I can do hunt me down after the show if there’s something I forgot hit me up and then we’ll go and if there’s something I can do you know I’d do anything for you wading and straying between I climb high upon the tree the branches hold me free I never wanna leave